Dreams

I was going through some old files the other day and came across this letter I had written almost 5 years ago. I was thinking about dreams one day after watching...Oprah. Ok, stop laughing, I know it's cliche, a stay at home mom watching Oprah but just go with me on this. So, she had this series on your Wildest Dreams and it really got me thinking. I was home with my first baby, then about 7 or 8 months I think, and just thinking about what I would be doing at the end of my maternity leave. Wrestling with the whole 'should I stay or should I go' mom dilemma. So, I wrote this to no one in particular, thinking, maybe I would send it to Oprah and she would make all my dreams come true...or maybe not!

Anyway, here it is. Enjoy...and if you are reading this and just happen to be a friend of a friend of a friend of Oprah's cousins hairdressers mother-in-law's sister, twice removed...feel free to send this along!!!

Dreams have a funny way of morphing as you get older. For example, I always dreamed of being a rockstar. I made a demo, and it was pretty good. But, somewhere between the dream and reality, I met a wonderful guy, got married, and had his baby. Now, I wouldn’t say that I no longer dream of being a rockstar. It’s just, now, when I envision the classified ad beckoning me to reach for the stars (because that’s how you reach your dreams don’t you know…it all starts with a classified ad!) it goes a little something like this:

Wanted: one lead singer for rock band destined for success. Must have husband and cute baby, be willing to play gigs (but not after bedtime), and travel (down the street). Influences include Mother Goose, Barney and Sesame Street.

Somehow, I just don’t think it’s gonna happen. But…if it does, sign me up baby! No, I wouldn’t say I’ve given up on my dreams, I’ve just got some that I am “not currently pursuing”.

Some dreams though, I suppose I’m always pursuing. It’s taken me a while to figure out that it’s really okay to keep pursuing my dreams.

I’ve gone through the new mom phase of thinking that my days of dreaming were over. “I’m a mom now, period. That’s me. How could I possibly give less than my all to raising a child, and if I’m giving all I’ve got to being a mom, how can I have room for anything else?”

When I think about my daughter growing up and becoming a woman of her own though, the answer becomes a little clearer. I owe it to my child to keep dreaming and keep following those dreams. I want my daughter to grow up and see that I never gave up on my dreams. I want to be her role model, the person she looks at and says, “Yeah, she can do it, I can do it.” I want to honestly be able to tell her that I have no regrets in my life.

At this point, I think I’m doing alright at that. At 25 I’ve done a little bit of a lot of things. Some things I’m proud of, some I’m not. I’ve travelled the world (or at least a little bit of it) in search of myself, only to find I was right where I left me.  I’ve been an artist, a singer, an intellectual (but only briefly). I’ve found true love without really looking for it, and found even truer love in the eyes of my daughter. I’ve come to the realization that my parents are pretty cool people who did the best they could at being my parents.

So, if you were to ask me what my wildest dream is, the answer would be simple and really, I suppose to some people, not that wild at all. My dream is for the freedom to live my life. The freedom to be the best mother and wife I can be without worrying constantly about paying the bills and holding off the creditors for one more month. I dream of having the freedom to chase all of my dreams without worrying about how I was going to make it all work and help support my family. The freedom to dream about owing a home or a business without the little voice in my head telling me “The bank’s never going to approve that”

Update: Okay, so, I'm not sure if it was really finished but there it is. I'm now nearly (gulp) 30, have 3 kids, my husband owns a business and we purchased our first house almost 2 years ago. It seems that so much has happened in the past 5 years...but my heart still echoes a lot of these same thoughts. Although there are some things that have changed. I think I've found freedom in my heart and for my family, not in the form of bills that never need paying of in anyone handing me things I haven't worked for, but freedom in simply working and doing everything for my family and realizing that my best is enough. As long as I am giving my all and loving with all my heart and doing my best to follow God's path for my life, I am free!

But I would still like to be a rockstar...if I could only find that classified ad...