Dreams

I was going through some old files the other day and came across this letter I had written almost 5 years ago. I was thinking about dreams one day after watching...Oprah. Ok, stop laughing, I know it's cliche, a stay at home mom watching Oprah but just go with me on this. So, she had this series on your Wildest Dreams and it really got me thinking. I was home with my first baby, then about 7 or 8 months I think, and just thinking about what I would be doing at the end of my maternity leave. Wrestling with the whole 'should I stay or should I go' mom dilemma. So, I wrote this to no one in particular, thinking, maybe I would send it to Oprah and she would make all my dreams come true...or maybe not!

Anyway, here it is. Enjoy...and if you are reading this and just happen to be a friend of a friend of a friend of Oprah's cousins hairdressers mother-in-law's sister, twice removed...feel free to send this along!!!

Dreams have a funny way of morphing as you get older. For example, I always dreamed of being a rockstar. I made a demo, and it was pretty good. But, somewhere between the dream and reality, I met a wonderful guy, got married, and had his baby. Now, I wouldn’t say that I no longer dream of being a rockstar. It’s just, now, when I envision the classified ad beckoning me to reach for the stars (because that’s how you reach your dreams don’t you know…it all starts with a classified ad!) it goes a little something like this:

Wanted: one lead singer for rock band destined for success. Must have husband and cute baby, be willing to play gigs (but not after bedtime), and travel (down the street). Influences include Mother Goose, Barney and Sesame Street.

Somehow, I just don’t think it’s gonna happen. But…if it does, sign me up baby! No, I wouldn’t say I’ve given up on my dreams, I’ve just got some that I am “not currently pursuing”.

Some dreams though, I suppose I’m always pursuing. It’s taken me a while to figure out that it’s really okay to keep pursuing my dreams.

I’ve gone through the new mom phase of thinking that my days of dreaming were over. “I’m a mom now, period. That’s me. How could I possibly give less than my all to raising a child, and if I’m giving all I’ve got to being a mom, how can I have room for anything else?”

When I think about my daughter growing up and becoming a woman of her own though, the answer becomes a little clearer. I owe it to my child to keep dreaming and keep following those dreams. I want my daughter to grow up and see that I never gave up on my dreams. I want to be her role model, the person she looks at and says, “Yeah, she can do it, I can do it.” I want to honestly be able to tell her that I have no regrets in my life.

At this point, I think I’m doing alright at that. At 25 I’ve done a little bit of a lot of things. Some things I’m proud of, some I’m not. I’ve travelled the world (or at least a little bit of it) in search of myself, only to find I was right where I left me.  I’ve been an artist, a singer, an intellectual (but only briefly). I’ve found true love without really looking for it, and found even truer love in the eyes of my daughter. I’ve come to the realization that my parents are pretty cool people who did the best they could at being my parents.

So, if you were to ask me what my wildest dream is, the answer would be simple and really, I suppose to some people, not that wild at all. My dream is for the freedom to live my life. The freedom to be the best mother and wife I can be without worrying constantly about paying the bills and holding off the creditors for one more month. I dream of having the freedom to chase all of my dreams without worrying about how I was going to make it all work and help support my family. The freedom to dream about owing a home or a business without the little voice in my head telling me “The bank’s never going to approve that”

Update: Okay, so, I'm not sure if it was really finished but there it is. I'm now nearly (gulp) 30, have 3 kids, my husband owns a business and we purchased our first house almost 2 years ago. It seems that so much has happened in the past 5 years...but my heart still echoes a lot of these same thoughts. Although there are some things that have changed. I think I've found freedom in my heart and for my family, not in the form of bills that never need paying of in anyone handing me things I haven't worked for, but freedom in simply working and doing everything for my family and realizing that my best is enough. As long as I am giving my all and loving with all my heart and doing my best to follow God's path for my life, I am free!

But I would still like to be a rockstar...if I could only find that classified ad...

Gettin' out the wrinkles...

OK, now is confession time. I know this one might backfire but, here goes...I love ironing. There, I've said it! Now, please don't show up on my doorstep with baskets full of wrinkled clothes. The thing is this, the other day, I was feeling particularly overwhelmed by the whole going back to work thing and all that goes with it. Mighty Dad was home and my list of things to do seemed endless, yet I couldn't seem to get started on anything. One of the things on my list happened to be: iron work clothes. So, I grabbed all of my wrinkled shirts as well as some from the other closets around the house and set off for the laundry room.

As I began to work on getting things 'straightened out', my mind started to wander and somehow just went to a happy place. As each stubborn wrinkle vanished, so too did my anxiety. And that's when the realization struck me, I love ironing!

I have some good memories of ironing. My mom wasn't too keen on the chore, however, my Grama must have LOVED it. She ironed everything; t-shirts, jeans, sheets, table cloths. I have vivid memories of her coming to visit. I think she and my mom had it worked out ahead of time, the basket of ironing would be waiting and Grama would get to it immediately. I remember the smell of crisp, steamed laundry. That little puff or mist to get even the worst wrinkle flattened.

All of these memories came flooding back to me as I stood in my tiny basement laundry room. I think ironing is a lost art, or else this is a huge Supermom secret and there are others out there who find the chore as cathartic as I do! I guess it just seems like we're all in such a hurry to get things done. There are conveniences everywhere to help the average Supermom deal with her day to day housework quickly and efficiently. Ironing on the other hand takes time. Sure there are little tricks to eliminate wrinkles but to get the true effect of a neatly pressed shirt, there is no choice but to switch on the iron, setup the squeaky old board and get to it.

Now, please don't start thinking I'm one of 'those women'. The betty-crocker/june-cleaver/yes-dear-I-simply-love-housework types. Catch me on the wrong day, as I'm chasing children away from dangling cords and praying I don't scald myself, and I might not speak so lovingly of the chore. However, when I just need a break to take a breath and get some perspective, ironing will do the trick. For some Supermoms it's yoga, or running, or shopping or chocolate or... and at times, it's those things for me too (well, maybe not the running), but it's just nice once in a while to reconnect and get your bearings before you jump into the crazy 3 ring circus we Supermom's call life!

So, maybe you try it, and maybe you just take my word for it, but the truth is out and I can't deny it...I Love Ironing!!

Workin' 9-5...

So, I got a job! Well, that is a  job other than the one that keeps me insanely busy 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

After much discussion and contemplation, I finally decided it was time to head back to work...a little for my own sanity, a little for financial reasons, and a little to take the pressure off Mighty Dad. So, I sent out resumes, went through the interview process (which was scary in itself!) and was just offered a position as a member services representative (aka teller) at a credit union in a town 15 minutes from home. Great! So, now I have 8 days until I start. 8 days to prepare the whole family for massive changes. 8 days to figure out exactly how I'm going to balance a job, 3 kids, husband, housework, meals, grocery shopping, laundry, and life!!! Am I freaking out a little here...oh yeah!

It's not that I doubt the decision to go back to work. I know it's time. And it's not that I don't have a great support system...Mighty Dad and the mom-in-law have already figured out a schedule for watching the kids. I guess it's just a big step in letting go. Sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to just open yourself up and say, yes, I need help, I need to let go of some things for the overall good.

One of those things, which might seem trivial to others, is breastfeeding. Isabelle is nearly 9 months old and has been on solid food for about 3 months now...but still relies on me for the bulk of her daily nutrition. After a little more that 5 years of motherhood...and 2 children who weaned at about 2 years, I have NEVER given any of them a bottle of anything. I've never been the kind of mom who just pumps a bottle so I can go out for an afternoon. If I needed to go out, I took the baby with me or I was back before the next feeding. Now, don't get all upset at me...I know there's nothing wrong with doing that...it's just that I never have! So, now although I feel like a well experienced mom, this whole situation is making me feel like a bit of a newbie. And it's sort of making the guilt factor intensify. In my head, I know that the baby will be perfectly fine with cutting out her daytime nursing sessions. I know that many, many moms out there make good friends with their pumps while at work and the baby still gets all the value of breastmilk in bottle or cup form. It's just another one of those letting go moments.

I guess there are compromises to be made...so far none of them seem earth shattering...just changing. I know I will have to give up on certain aspects of house cleaning, I know I might miss a few firsts (like first steps) and some special moments. BUT, I will still have a warm, loving place to come home to at the end of the day and I will be there for the second steps and I'm just going to have to work extra hard every day to create my own special moments with my family.

So, I'll try my best to keep you posted on this crazy adventure. I'd love to hear your tips for coping!

Blessings,

Supermom (Corrie)

I am...SUPERMOM!!!

Yes, I am a Supermom...it's true! But it's no biggie. There are lots of us out there, navigating the world with little ones in tow 24/7, putting ourselves, our careers, our dreams, our everything on hold for the greater good of raising children in a world full of contradiction and insanity.

Sometimes I feel like some sort of spandex-clad, cape wearing hero or at least I should be, to be able to get done the continually growing list of things to do in an average day. For the most part though, we are unsung heros. What other hero has to endure abuse and insult from the very people we protect as a mom does from her children. On any given day I can be spit up on, thrown up on, peed on, pooped on (literally and figuratively), demanded from, called names, screamed at, had doors slammed in my face and more. Yet, it is those rare moments of gratitude and appreciation that somehow erase every hint of poor treatment. Like when my 2 year old, sitting at the dinner table cheerfully offers "Thanks for making supper mom!" or my 5 year old, after another 5-going-on-15 moment, wraps her chubby little arms around my neck and kisses my cheek...or something as simple as a belly laugh from my 8 month old! These moments can erase an entire week of hardship and can have a superhero mom back on her feet, ready to save the world (or at least make dinner) in no time at all.

Of course, no superhero would be complete without her trusty sidekick...in my case, Mighty Dad. There are days when I don't know where I'd be without my superhero sidekick to come to my rescue in the nick of time. He's always there to take my rants and let me know it'll be ok.

So, there it is. I thought I'd start this blog because, well, I love writing, but also because there are many moments (and days and weeks and months) where I don't feel very much at all like a super anything. Since I know I'm not the only supermom out there, I thought that maybe there are others like me who just need a little encouragement sometimes...to know that we're not alone and that yes, our kids are normal and we're coping just fine, thank you very much! I can't promise I will update everyday but I will do my best, and I hope you will visit my site often and join me in my quest to SAVE THE WORLD...one load of laundry at a time!